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[ There’s a post from Karkat’s communicator. Which is strange, considering how quiet he's been lately. By "quiet," I mean "dead." But no one's seen his body right? So maybe he survived the typhus? Yeah, that's the only explanation, otherwise he wouldn't be posting. ]

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK MY NAME IS KARKAT FUCK.
NOW THAT MY IDENTITY HAS BEEN SUITABLY ASCERTAINED, IT’S FUCKING TIME TO GET TO SOME FUCKING BUSINESS FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK.

1) WHO HERE DO I HATE MORE SO THAN THE GENERAL HATE I HAVE FOR EVERYTHING THAT MOVES AND LOTS OF THINGS THAT DON’T MOVE?
PRONGS IN THE AIR, ASSHOLE. I WANT AN ACTUAL COUNT.
IF I’VE EVER SAID I HATE YOU IN GREAT DETAIL, JUST REMIND ME HERE.
POTENTIALLY WITH LINKS BECAUSE LINKS OR IT DOESN’T EXIST.

2) HAVE ANY OF YOU ASSHOLES KILLED ME BEFORE?
I’M INCREDIBLY DUMB SOMETIMES SO I DON’T REMEMBER THESE THINGS, SO I WOULD GREATLY APPRECIATE IT IN AN INCREDIBLY ANGRY MANNER IF YOU INFORMED ME OF THIS.

3) ALSO IF YOU’VE EVER INTRODUCED YOUR FIST TO MY FACE.
OR YOUR HOOF TO MY ASS.
OR ANYTHING EVEN REMOTELY SIMILAR TO A BEATING.
I FEEL LIKE THIS IS INFORMATION THAT I NEED TO KNOW.

4) FINALLY, WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I BEEN UP TO DURING THE LAST FEW HUMAN MONTHS.
THIS IS IMPORTANT INFORMATION THAT, YET AGAIN, BECAUSE I AM INFAMOUSLY STUPID, I’VE FORGOTTEN.

FUCK FUCK FUCK KARKAT SIGNING OFF FUCK ETC.

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i'm guessing this is gonna be a long list

YES.
I AM SURE IT WILL BE.
WHICH IS EXACTLY WHY I FUCKING WOULD LIKE A FUCKING LIST.
SO I CAN FUCKING KEEP TRACK OF ALL THIS FUCKING SHIT.

pretty sure i'm not on any of them
probably

I'M KARKAT.
WHICH MEANS YOU WILL BE ON A LIST SOMEWHERE.
I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHICH LIST IT IS, BUT YOU'RE ON IT.
DON'T WORRY TOO MUCH THOUGH.
YOU'RE NOT THAT BAD OF A GUY. (PRETEND I SAID THAT IN A REALLY ANGRY WAY)

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theres the angry sonofabitch
im going to just mosey on over now
since were neighbors
i cant be tamed
you cant stop me
knock motherfucking knock bro

NOPE.
SORRY.
NO KARKATS ARE HOME AT THE MOMENT.
PLEASE DO NOT KNOCK.
PLEASE DON'T BREAK AND ENTER (BECAUSE THAT IS ILLEGAL NOT THAT I GIVE A FUCK).

too late
im done replying

[Knock knock.]

[ Terezi opens the door only enough so she can poke her head out. ]

Hi.

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[ ok, he doesn't know karkat THAT well, but he's known him long enough that even karkat doesn't say fuck that much. or does he? hmmm ] Well, there was that whole thing with the possums.

YES POSSUMS CHECK.
THEY ARE ON THE LIST AND I'M PUTTING A BIG GODDAMN FUCKING CHECK MARK RIGHT BY THEIR NAME.
CHEEEECK THERE IT GOES.
CHECKMARK.

QUICK QUESTION, THOUGH:
DO THEY HAVE DISEASES?
AND CAN THEY TRANSMIT THOSE DISEASES TO SOMEONE ELSE?
SAY, A TROLL?
A TROLL THAT ISN'T ME OF COURSE, BECAUSE I'M SUCH AN ASSHOLE, I'M IMMUNE TO ILLNESS.

Edited 2012-08-02 16:05 (UTC)

Sure, I mean, they're wild animals. It's pretty crazy we all haven't gotten sick from animal bites yet, haha.

OH.
WOW.
YEAH, OK.
THAT WAS INFORMATION I PROBABLY NEEDED A FEW EARTHHUMAN MONTHS AGO.
PLEASE TELL ME SOMEONE TRIED TO INFORM ME OF THIS BULLSHIT AND I JUST DIDN'T LISTEN.
BECAUSE OTHERWISE, YOU'RE ALL INCREDIBLY TERRIBLE PEOPLE TO SIT AROUND AND WATCH ME FIGHT THESE THINGS KNOWING I'LL GET EARTHEBOLA OR WHATEVER.

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Remember that time with hookers and sickles?

NO, I DO NOT REMEMBER.
SO YOU SHOULD PROBABLY REMIND ME.
IN GREAT DETAIL.

Edited 2012-08-02 21:38 (UTC)

So you all broke out of that hospital, but you were still doped up -- this was in that alternate timeline of Discedo where it was heavily populated and I was a landscaper -- and Eridan kept flirting with a hooker because he didn't realize what that was so everyone had to try to explain it.

And then you got caught so we went to get weapons. I never did find any sickles though, eh? I guess I owe you one.

YES.
PLEASE PAY ALL YOUR DEBTS TO ME IN ABOUT A WEEK OR SO.
OTHERWISE I'LL JUST BE CONFUSED AND DAZED AND NO ONE WANTS TO HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH ME IN THAT STATE OF MIND.

TELL ME MORE ABOUT THIS ALTERNATE TIMELINE SHENANIGANS.
IT SEEMS SOMEWHAT IMPORTANT.

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[ Quite some time after being revived (and possibly after meeting up with Terezi I don't know fuck time and fuck continuity): ]

WHAT IN THE NAME OF THE KAWAII SANDWICH GODS AM I WITNESSING.

[ She's given Karkat his communicator back, and he is attached to his communicator like a businessman attached to bluetooth, so the responses will be coming from her own communicator. But with his font and typing quirk. ]

WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE WITNESSING?
YOU'RE WITNESSING DESTINY.
YOUR DESTINY, TO BE SPECIFIC.

[ As tempted as Karkat is to respond to this as he would respond to himself, he knows it is Terezi. He can at least attempt to respond to her rather than his pseudo-self.

At least initially.

also way to steal my bluetooth line. hookie. ]

I THINK I'M WITNESSING THE SAD ATTEMPTS OF A ROLEPLAYER TO IMITATE GREATNESS
AND FAILING.
NOW CUT THIS OUT.

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[ France doesn't even know Karkat yet. He only talked to Terezi for a few minutes, and really has no idea what he's getting into. In fact, he wouldn't respond at all, except for the fact whoever this Karkat is managed to use the word 'fuck' sixteen times in what he's pretty sure is less than 200 words. That means 8% of that entire message was just the word fuck. Which is kind of a feat.

Since he sees absolutely no point in using the texting function when his beautiful voice could be used, he decides to send through a video message. ]

You know, if you are so intent on cursing, Karkat [ Sounds sort of like "car-cah" with his stupid accent. ] --you should learn some more interesting words, non?

OH?
ARE YOU OFFERING TO TEACH ME?
PLEASE, CARRY ON.
YOU'VE GOT MY ATTENTION.
MY INCREDIBLY ANGRY AND HATEFUL ATTENTION THAT WILL, NO DOUBT, SOON TURN INTO A BARRAGE OF FURY AT THE DROP OF A COIN.

[ run france. run. ]

[ But if he runs, he misses out on the chance to spread his wonderful language and culture! Even if he's only teaching Terezi the bad words. ]

Mais oui! The curses, they sound so much better en français.

[ He holds up a finger. ] The first one that you must know is merde. Merde, c'est tout. Merde is... it is... shit, oui, it means shit. [ All said with a smile. ] I use it all of the time! And if you do not want to say that, you can say putain. It is good to use for almost anything! It is similar to the English aaa.... to whore, I believe.

[ Such class. He thinks for a moment, lips pursing, then holds up another finger. ] And if you wish to be more creative, you can always call someone a fils de pute! It is similar to, though not exactly, 'son of a bitch'. [ Which when said by a ridiculous Frenchman, sounds more like "son of a beech', of course. ]

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You've searched for a missing shoe and drawn worse pictures than a kindergartner.

BZZZT.
WRONG.
MY NAME IS KARKAT VANTAS, THE SHORT AND NUBBY TERRIBLE TROLL WHO HATES EVERYONE.
NOT THE AMAZINGLY ARTISTIC AND BRILLIANT TEREZI PYROPE.
NO MATTER HOW MUCH I MAY SECRETLY IDOLIZE HER.

I found my square and you can't haaaaave him!

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