text;

[legality]

[ There’s a post from Karkat’s communicator. Which is strange, considering how quiet he's been lately. By "quiet," I mean "dead." But no one's seen his body right? So maybe he survived the typhus? Yeah, that's the only explanation, otherwise he wouldn't be posting. ]

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK MY NAME IS KARKAT FUCK.
NOW THAT MY IDENTITY HAS BEEN SUITABLY ASCERTAINED, IT’S FUCKING TIME TO GET TO SOME FUCKING BUSINESS FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK.

1) WHO HERE DO I HATE MORE SO THAN THE GENERAL HATE I HAVE FOR EVERYTHING THAT MOVES AND LOTS OF THINGS THAT DON’T MOVE?
PRONGS IN THE AIR, ASSHOLE. I WANT AN ACTUAL COUNT.
IF I’VE EVER SAID I HATE YOU IN GREAT DETAIL, JUST REMIND ME HERE.
POTENTIALLY WITH LINKS BECAUSE LINKS OR IT DOESN’T EXIST.

2) HAVE ANY OF YOU ASSHOLES KILLED ME BEFORE?
I’M INCREDIBLY DUMB SOMETIMES SO I DON’T REMEMBER THESE THINGS, SO I WOULD GREATLY APPRECIATE IT IN AN INCREDIBLY ANGRY MANNER IF YOU INFORMED ME OF THIS.

3) ALSO IF YOU’VE EVER INTRODUCED YOUR FIST TO MY FACE.
OR YOUR HOOF TO MY ASS.
OR ANYTHING EVEN REMOTELY SIMILAR TO A BEATING.
I FEEL LIKE THIS IS INFORMATION THAT I NEED TO KNOW.

4) FINALLY, WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I BEEN UP TO DURING THE LAST FEW HUMAN MONTHS.
THIS IS IMPORTANT INFORMATION THAT, YET AGAIN, BECAUSE I AM INFAMOUSLY STUPID, I’VE FORGOTTEN.

FUCK FUCK FUCK KARKAT SIGNING OFF FUCK ETC.

Comments

[legality]

I'LL TRY TO REMEMBER THIS.
HAVING THIS KNOWLEDGE MAKES YOU SEEM SIGNIFICANTLY LESS THREATENING THAN YOU DID PREVIOUSLY.
WHICH IS ALWAYS A GOOD THING, I GUESS.

[fierybluebird]

Well, aside from you not remembering the time he got mad at me and strung me up in a tree, I did ask you for advice with that.

Humans don't have a clear concept of moirails and kismesis. They have them, but they don't define them or get it and as such it gets messier. So you actually helped me figure that out a lot, eh?

[legality]

YEAH, I PROBABLY DID.
YOU SHOULD CONTINUE TO ASK ME FOR RELATIONSHIP ADVICE.
I REALLY LIKE GIVING IT, NO MATTER HOW MUCH I'LL BITCH ABOUT IT AFTERWARDS.
IT'S ONE OF THE FEW THINGS I THINK I'M ACTUALLY GOOD AT.

[fierybluebird]

I know actually. Though I'm surprised at your honesty about it.

You should open up an advice column sometime. I bet there are others here who could use it.

[legality]

YOU'RE RIGHT, I SHOULD!
REMIND ME OF THAT IN A WEEK OR SO!
DON'T ACT TOO EAGER THOUGH, OR I'LL PROBABLY THROW SOME CREATIVE INSULTS IN YOUR DIRECTION AND BE A BIG GRUMPBEAST ABOUT IT.

[fierybluebird]

Don't you always?

[legality]

GOOD POINT.
I AM THE LARGEST GRUMPBEAST TO EVER GRACE THE STREETS OF DISCEDO.
YOU SHOULD WORK ON MAKING ME LAUGH AND SMILE MORE.
I FEEL LIKE SHOULD BE EVERYONE'S GOAL AT ALL TIMES.
IF WE HAVE A CITY-WIDE EFFORT, WE MIGHT BE SUCCESSFUL.

[fierybluebird]

Please, you're no grumpier than Seifer or the marines. All right freakishly honest Karkat, how does one cheer you up?

[legality]

WITH FOOD AND OFFERINGS OF GIFTS.
ALSO COMPLIMENTS ON MY SKILLS OR ABILITIES TO DO THINGS CORRECTLY.

YOU HAVE TO BE SUBTLE WITH BOTH THOUGH, OTHERWISE I'LL GET SUSPICIOUS.
BEING SUBTLE IS KEY.

[fierybluebird]

I'm not as good at subtle as bold, but we'll see, eh.

Food was more Japan's thing, or do you like soup? I used to make that for Eridan.

[legality]

I DON'T ACTUALLY TAKE VERY GOOD CARE OF MYSELF, SO I'LL PROBABLY LIKE AND CONSUME ANY FOOD OFFERED, AS LONG AS IT'S NOT POISONED.
TEREZI CAN TELL IF IT'S POISONED.
SO DON'T TRY TO PULL THAT SHIT.

[fierybluebird]

I don't poison.

The only person I'd even try to poison is Blackbeard. With glass in cherry pies.

[100% truth Terezi.]

[legality]

GOOD!
SO YES.
FEED ME REGULARLY.
STARTING NEXT WEEK!
AND ALL WILL BE GOOD.
I MIGHT EVEN SMILE.
AND BY "SMILE" I MEAN THE SLIGHTEST TWITCH OF MY LIPS IN AN UPWARD DIRECTION, ONLY VIEWABLE WITH A MICROSCOPE.

[fierybluebird]

[Laughs.] That might actually be worth it. I'll see what I can do.

[legality]

GODSPEED
|:B (SINCE I NEVER ACTUALLY MAKE ANY EXPRESSIONS OUTSIDE OF GRUMPY AND ANGRY)

[fierybluebird]

Thanks.

Wait. What is that symbol supposed to be? A unibrow and chipmunk cheeks?

[legality]

THE B IS MY CUTE LITTLE NUBBY HORNS.
THE : ARE MY ANGRY OCULAR GLOBES, AND THE | IS MY NONIMPRESSED LIPS.

[fierybluebird]

I see. :|

[legality]

I SEE AS WELL.
BECAUSE THAT'S A THING I CAN DO.
SINCE I'M KARKAT. [ most ic ]

[fierybluebird]

Of course. And Karkat always finds his own horns "adorable."

[legality]

OH, CERTAINLY.
IN FACT, MORE PEOPLE SHOULD ALSO PROBABLY FIND THEM ADORABLE.
BECAUSE THEY ARE PRECIOUS AND NUBBY
WHICH IS ACTUALLY A PRETTY GOOD DESCRIPTOR FOR MYSELF.

[fierybluebird]

Precious and nubby?

I'll make sure to remind you of that in a week matey.

[legality]

EXCELLENT.
MAKE SURE TO PLACE PLENTY OF EMPHASIS ON THE PRECIOUS.
BECAUSE, LET'S FACE IT, I AM PRETTY FUCKING PRECIOUS.

[fierybluebird]

Oh yes, absolutely.

[legality]

NOW IT'S TIME FOR SERIOUS QUESTIONS, SO LET'S PUT ASIDE ALL TALK OF NUBBY HORNS AND CUTE TROLLS.






HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE FOR SOMEONE TO REVIVE?
ESPECIALLY IF SOMEONE ELSE IS SITTING ON TOP OF THE DEAD PERSON'S BODY.
HYPOTHETICALLY SPEAKING, OF COURSE.
IT'S SUCH AN INSANE SCENARIO, THERE'S NO WAY IT WOULD EVER OCCUR.