( voice; )

[shadesofred]

I think this is a long overdue announcement. My girly heart just can't bear this secret anymore! Or something stupid like that. My heart's actually been still for like, a thousand years now, so it's more full of coagulated blood and maggots than secrets. But I guess that's why it can't bear it anymore! It's too frail from all the creepy-crawlies eating it!

[ She is having way too much fun with this. Actually, she usually has fun with elaborate blackmail schemes, but it's been a while since she's had a whole audience to mess with. Marceline gives a dramatic sigh––you know, the kind you'd hear from the ~damsel in distress~ in a particularly old movie. ]

World, get ready for a shocker, because here it comes: I, Marceline the Vampire Queen, am the girlfriend of Sadiq What's-his-Face.

[ From the way she's talking, you can pretty much imagine her doing this. ]

He's just as scrumptious as a strawberry cupcake! Underneath his jerky exterior, there's a man with a heart of gold and cinnamon and whatever else you can imagine that's awesome. We hold hands all the time. It's fantabulous. I don't even mind that he's so sweaty.

So why am I telling you all this? Oh, no reason! Just thought I'd bring a little light into your dismal lives. And to prove that not all vampires are heartless maneaters. I'm sure my schnookems will readily agree.

[ Yeah she's semi up to date on current events. Hey, may as well make the most of this arrangement. (Not that she really cares if people view her badly but some days it's good to know that garlic won't be thrown at you.) ]

That's all. You can all continue on with your daily routines now.

Comments

[video]

[scimitar]

So, ya have some special powers or somethin'?

[video]

[eyeforaneye]

More than a few.

You should not worry about hurting me. If you hold back, I will not enjoy it. [ Turns out he's not just rude. He might be something of a sadist too, on occasion. ]

[video]

[scimitar]

Ya wanna tell me 'bout 'em, or...?

[video]

[eyeforaneye]

Should I? You have told me nothing yourself.

[video]

[scimitar]

Whaddaya talkin' 'bout?! I've told ya a SHIT TON 'bout myself!

[video]

[eyeforaneye]

...

About fighting? No. You told me about food you eat. [ Aphrodisiacs, at that. ]

[video]

[scimitar]

Well, okay... Anythin' specific ya wanna know, then?

[video]

[eyeforaneye]

You want to know what I can do. So tell me what you can do first.

What can you do with the chip out that you cannot do now?

[video]

[scimitar]

Well, I'm missin' a lotta stuff cuz the chip's made me human, but I guess physically--

Lot more vitality, strength, an' speed?

[video]

[eyeforaneye]

[ Occasionally he finds himself pausing to decipher Turkey's accent. Now is one of those times. ]

I see. I am the same. Though in your case it must be more... complicated.

[video]

[scimitar]

Hahahaha, 'kay! So it won't be like fightin' a human at all, then!

[video]

[eyeforaneye]

If a "human" to you is us, when we have these chips... No. I will bring you much more. Fire, lightning. [ A pause. ]

I will not use my sword, if you do not have one.

[video]

[scimitar]

Fire 'n lightnin'? Are you fuckin' KIDDIN' me?

[video]

[eyeforaneye]

I am a serious person; I'm not "fucking kidding". [ Turkey, be proud. You just taught him "fucking" in English. ]

Is it a problem?

[video]

[scimitar]

Yeah! I ain't gonna fight someone hurlin' fireballs at me 'n wieldin' lightnin'!

[video]

[eyeforaneye]

...

Did you really kill ten thousand men? You are easy to scare.

[video]

[scimitar]

Sure! But ya prolly misunderstood me anyway!

I'm a nation, I don' fight humans. I fight nations!

[video] 2/2

[scimitar]

-- Also, no, I said they were already dead when I arrived!

[video] wegkln, you tricked me!

[eyeforaneye]

Nations do not use fire?

... You must have fought others too.

[video] LMAO SORRY

[scimitar]

Sure, but I can't spew it outta my goddamn hands.

Uh huh!

[video] TRICKY TURKS

[eyeforaneye]

I use my mouth, not hands. [ Let's not take that out of context. And he uses his eyes, too, but that. sounds. even stranger. ]

So you should be a strong fighter.

[video]

[scimitar]

[--yeah he. kinda is anyway. NOT COMMENTING]

Ya don' think lightnin' 'n fire will give ya the slightest bit 'a an advantage?

[video]

[eyeforaneye]

[ . . . shhh. Mr. Gunpowder. ]

You want me to beat you with just my fists?

[video]

[scimitar]

We can use our swords an' that.

[video]

[eyeforaneye]

Tch. Fine... I will use nothing else.

I do not need my chip out for something like that.