discedo | text/audio/action for Dissimulo

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text/audio/action for Dissimulo

--Area scanned: data not available
Scanning
Scanning
>>not available: constructing map

[If it were possible for a line of computer text to sound annoyed, it would be Soundwave who could do it. The text flashes for a moment, before clearing, what almost sounds like a rush of static over the airways cutting in.

Meanwhile, in Dissimulo at the conjuncture of King Street and Harmony lane, one would find a strange, towering, nine foot tall faceless metal... thing, holding the little device delicately between two long, spindly fingers as he crouched. The visor flickered faintly as the words appeared on the device… Seemed like he found a way around the little buttons.

And he didn’t appear happy. With the shoulders drawn up and the head lowered, he was the very image of annoyance, the free hand lightly tapping his fingers slowly against the ground. There was a click, the communicator switching over to vocal input.]

--sensors must be faulty!--

[An oily, enraged voice slithered out of the audio output, the shoulders hunching more.]

--Decepticon life signal—

[Just trying to find him a colleague out here. … Yeah it’s not going so well.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ sorry soundwave, hoping karkat goes away has the same effect as wishing for herpes to go away: there might not be an outbreak for a while, but it will inevitably come back at the most inconvenient times. ]

YOU HAVE SELECTED FIVE.
PLEASE HOLD WHILE YOU'RE CONNECTED.

WELCOME TO HELL, ASSHOLE. WHAT CAN I HELP YOU WITH TODAY?

[Yep. This was going to be a delight. He can tell already.

He can also tell it'll be a pain the ass trying to wring information from the mysterious typist, but he really doesn't have much of a choice.

There's another rush of static]

requesting planet coordinates
>>input location:|

[And then a click]

--how this could have happened

LOCATION NAME: DISCEDO
40˚ NORTH OF GODAWFUL
20˚ WEST OF FUCKALL NOWHERE

I REALIZE I'M BEING A SMARTASS ABOUT IT BUT IT'S HARDLY AN EXAGGERATION.
IN ACTUALITY, THERE IS LITTLE TO NO INFORMATION ABOUT UNIVERSAL COORDINATES.
THE BEST YOU CAN HOPE FOR ARE MAPS OF THE AREA SURROUNDING THE THREE CITIES.

THERE ARE A NUMBER OF POSSIBLE ANSWERS TO YOUR SECOND QUESTION.
THE SIMPLEST ANSWER IS THAT SOME MAD SCIENTISTS HAVE DECIDED TO INCLUDE YOU IN THEIR PET PROJECT.
IF YOU'RE ASKING "HOW" IN THE TECHNOLOGICAL (OR LOGICAL) SENSE, THAT REMAINS A MYSTERY.
AS FOR "HOW" IN THE "HOLY FUCKING FRENCHMEN WHY ME" SENSE,
I CAN HAZARD A FEW GUESSES:

1. YOUR GOD(S) HATES YOU
2. THE UNIVERSE HATES YOU
3. EXISTENCE ITSELF HATES YOU

IT WOULD BE IN YOUR BEST INTEREST TO QUICKLY ACCEPT THAT YOU ARE AN UNLOVED AND INSIGNIFICANT SO WE CAN MOVE ON.
PLEASE SELECT A FURTHER ACTION:

> PRESS ONE TO GET THE BASICS OF THIS UNIVERSE AND THEORIES OF ITS TEMPORAL REALITY
> PRESS TWO TO RECEIVE INFORMATION ABOUT THE SANDWICH FACTORY
> PRESS THREE TO LEARN ABOUT THE DEMONS THAT LIVE IN OUR WALLS AKA OPOSSUMS

[... you know what. That's the second time you've mentioned opossums, and he's pretty sure he is not going to be getting any useful information out of you anymore.

So he's going to blow off some steam. Apparently you want to talk about opossums. Alright.

Fine.

Let's talk about opossums.]

Opossums (Didelphimorphia, /daɪˌdɛlfɨˈmɔrfiə/) make up the largest order of marsupials in the Western Hemisphere, including 103 or more species in 19 genera. They are also commonly called possums, though that term technically refers to Australian fauna of the suborder Phalangeriformes. The Virginia opossum was the first animal to be named an opossum; usage of the name was published in 1610. The word opossum comes from the Proto-Algonquian aposoum, pronounced *wa˙p- aʔθemw, meaning "white dog" or "white beast/ animal".[3] Opossums probably diverged from the basic South American marsupials in the late Cretaceous or early Paleocene.

[He has a whole damn log on earth life forms, asshole. He can do this all day.]

[ The wounds are fresh and so is the rage. Usually Karkat would get annoyed by someone trolling him back, but not this time. Not today.

Not when he's learning about his enemy. ]

LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE ALREADY FAMILIAR WITH UNHOLY BEAST.
NOW TELL ME
WHAT ARE ITS GREATEST WEAKNESSES?
I MUST EXPLOIT THEM TO THE FULLEST EXTENT.
I MUST DEFEAT THAT BEADY-EYED DEMON.

[... my, what an unhealthy obsession you have.

Let's fuel it.

Unspecialized biology, flexible diet and reproductive strategy make them successful colonizers and survivors in diverse locations and conditions.

Opossums have a remarkably robust immune system, and show partial or total immunity to the venom of rattlesnakes, cottonmouths, and other pit vipers. Opossums are about eight times less likely to carry rabies than wild dogs, and about one in eight hundred opossums are infected with this virus.

[ This is the exact opposite of helpful in any sense of the word. Also rabies. Do trolls even get rabies. Karkat doesn't care; this has ascended from pest control to personal vendetta. ]

THAT WOULD BE MORE DISAPPOINTING IF MY FANGS WERE VENOMOUS.

[ Yes he bit the possum what of it. ]

WHAT'S THE EASIEST WAY TO LURE THEM OUT INTO THE OPEN, TALKING ENCYCLOPEDIA OF EARTH KNOWLEDGE?

[Oh he hopes so. He's never seen anyone get rabies personally before, Primus knows it might be something worth adding to the files. If they can weaponize rabies maybe they can clear earth off without a stupid army of energon swilling idiots. ... Soundwave does not think highly of the vehicons.

Does this thing send images?

YES.

He's remembering back a little in the conversation too.

Aaannnndddd-

Here we go. Enjoy Soundwave's suggestion. He's so glad he has these images saved now.

[ Karkat may be ignorant of earth life, but he's slowly start to piece together that this guy is fucking with him. Seriously, a sandwich? Nice try, Soundwave, but eating Karkat's sandwich is exactly what started this fiasco in the first place. Possums aren't weak against sandwiches. No. It only makes them stronger.

Despite his mounting annoyance, Karkat has to hand it to the new guy. He's got a knack for trolling.

Time to up the ante. (Read: channel his rage into unproductive ranting and failed attempts at riling the other party up.) ]

DULY NOTED.
I'LL SET MY TRAPS TONIGHT
RIGHT AFTER I'M DONE CAPTURING THE RESIDENT ROBOTIC BEINGS AND PREPARING THEM FOR THEIR DEATH BY THE HANDS OF EQUIUS.

[Go ahead bitch, he's plenty cranky right now, he might just want someone to smack across town.

Or annoy further.

He supposes that entirely depends upon if you're honestly planning on carrying out that threat. He might be weaponless but he's still a nine foot tall alien robot.]

location: classified

[come and find him, karkat]

[ Current strategy: throw opossums at the robot. From there, things will handle themselves. Yes. Flawless plan. ]

OH LET ME FILL THE OUT THE REST OF YOUR PROFILE FOR YOU.

NAME: ROBITCH
CLASSIFICATION: DECEPTIDOUCHE
FUNCTION: COGNISANT TOASTER, CAN OPENER, HUMAN PLEASURING DEVICE
MANUFACTURING LOCATION: JAPAN'S ASSCRACK
ACHIEVEMENTS IN THE SAD MOCKERY OF LIFE ONLY ROBOTS CAN EXIST IN: NONE
BRIEF HISTORY: ONCE UPON A TIME A PILE OF SCRAP METAL WAS ASSEMBLED INTO A VAGUELY COHERENT PIECE OF MACHINERY. THE UNIVERSE DEEMED IT SO LAUGHABLY PITIFUL THAT THE GODS OF THAT UNIVERSE DECIDED TO GRANT IT SENTIENCE SIMPLY FOR THE PURPOSE OF WATCHING ITS DOWNWARD SPIRAL INTO NOTHINGNESS. IT CONTINUED TO STEAMROLL ITS WAY THROUGH LIFE IN THE SHADOW OF SUPERIOR, NON-MECHANICAL BEINGS. IT GREW TO RESENT THESE CREATURES, BUT ITS HATE HAD NO IMPACT. IT JUST MADE ITS EXISTENCE ALL THE MORE HILARIOUS. ONE DAY THE GODS (AND/OR THE UNIVERSE ITSELF) SAID, "IF I WATCH THIS MONSTROSITY'S STRUGGLE FOR ONE MORE MOMENT I'M GOING TO SHIT MYSELF LAUGHING. QUICK, SEND IT SOMEWHERE ELSE UNTIL MY SADISTIC GLEE SUBSIDES!" IT WAS THEN THAT THE TOASTER ARRIVED IN THE HORRIFIC WASTELAND CALLED DISCEDO. ITS IMMEDIATE INCLINATION WAS TO MOLEST EVERY FLESHY BEING WITHIN A FIVE MILE RADIUS. SADLY, IT KNEW IT COULD NEVER SATISFY ANYONE, AS EVERY PREVIOUS ENCOUNTER ONLY AMOUNTED TO UNCOMFORTABLE AND INAPPROPRIATE TOUCHING. NOW FRUSTRATED, THE WALKING LOAD GAPER WAS CONFRONTED BY A WALL OF GREY TEXT. INSTEAD OF HUMORING THE TYPIST, IT DECIDED TO HAVE A LITTLE FUN AND TRY TO SCREW WITH IT. THAT WAS THE BEGINNING OF ITS DEMISE.

I WILL REPORT ALL OF THIS TO YOUR BIOGRAPHER ONCE YOU MEET YOUR END.
THIS IS HOW YOU WILL BE REMEMBERED THROUGH HISTORY.
ENJOY YOUR INFAMY.

[Primus, Karkat, you're wordy]

Superfluous text detected

recommended action: character limit

suggest: 150 characters

attempted insult unnecessary length

meaning: null

OH I'M SORRY.
IS THE GLORY OF MY EXTENSIVE, PLOT DRIVEN INSULT TOO MUCH FOR YOUR CIRCUITS?
LET'S TRY THIS AGAIN:
凸(｀⌒´メ)凸

YOU CANNOT HIDE FROM MY WRATH.
I WILL FIND YOU.

[This is more cathartic than he thought it'd be]

Analyzing reply

preparing appropriate response:

凸(｀0´)凸

[He learned something new today. Thanks, Karkat.]

[ You're welcome(????). ]

┏┫♋｀ｰ´┣━━━━━━━━━●)ﾟOﾟ)

ME TO YOU.
THAT IS YOUR EXTERNAL HARD DRIVE CAVING IN AS I EXACT MY FURY ON YOU.

Location classified

[That's all well and good but you still don't know where he is.]

[ So he thinks. Actually no, he doesn't, but there's a limited number of places he could be. Not that Karkat is actually inclined to go fight a robot but HE'LL OPERATE UNDER THE ASSUMPTION THAT HE IS... ]

YOU SAY THAT AS THOUGH YOU'RE NOT SPEAKING TO SOMEONE WHO IS FAMILIAR WITH THE TERRITORY.
YOU, HOWEVER, ARE STILL IGNORANT TO THIS WORLD AND HOW IT OPERATES.
FOR ALL YOU KNOW I CAN SEE YOU RIGHT NOW.

Subject request: State appearance

[PROVE IT, FLESH BAG. He's already on the move again now, after Washu's little check up. He'll fix this unfamiliar landscape problem, you just watch.]

GREY SKIN, HORNS, FANGS, EVERYTHING YOU CAN IMAGINE FROM THE DEPTHS OF YOUR NIGHTMARES.
PRESUMING ROBOTS DREAM, THAT IS.
I DOUBT IT.
YOU DON'T COUNT AS PEOPLE.
MERELY PRODUCTS.

[He'd be more offended if he hadn't heard that on other planets before.

Oh yes, Karkat, he's terrified. ... Actually he's annoyed because his heat scanner won't work either. Seriously that the hell.]

Request: State appearance of target.

[Now tell him what he looks like if you can see him so damn well]

METAL.
SERIOUSLY HOW MANY FUCKING MECHANICAL ASSHOLES AR RUNNING AROUND PRETENDING TO MATTER?
ANSWER:
YOU.

[ STOP POKING HOLES IN HIS FLIMSY CRUSADE, SOUNDWAVE. ]

[Lookit all the holes]

State appearance

color
make
shape
height

input answer:|

ANSWER:
FUCK OFF, TOASTER.
YOU'LL KNOW YOUR DOOM WHEN YOU SEE ME.

conclusion: Subject: enhancing truth

request: Designation, location

REQUEST DENIED.
TASK: REWRITE THE DESTRUCTIVE COMPUTER VIRUS TO ADAPT TO THE ELECTRONICS OF THIS PLANET.
CHANCE OF SUCCESS: YES.
DOES THIS WRITING STYLE MAKE YOU SOUND LIKE A TOOL: YES.
TOOL STATUS CONFIRMED.
PLEASE REMOVE ROBOT AND REBOOT UNIVERSE.

text;

robocreep - 2012-02-09 00:29 (UTC) - Expand

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

text/audio/action for Dissimulo

text; IT CAN ONLY END IN TRAGEDY. by that I of course mean hilarity.

voice/text I APPROVE OF THIS

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