≈ first breath; voice

[hammerkinds]

[Static starts across the voice feed, followed by some mumbling. It seems someone accidentally clicked it on while they were fiddling with the device.]

Dude, do you remember alchemizing these? I don't remember anything like this in my sylladex... Man, speaking of, where is my sylladex?

Why are you asking me? My sylladex launched my sword into the closest tree it could find. Do you know how much of a pain in the ass it was to yank it out with a broken foot? Thanks by the way. I really wanted my toes to get touchy with your hammer. You don't even know. I'm going to get some heinous infection all up in this shit and you're going to have to amputate my foot to save my life or something. Except I refuse, but then we'll get attacked by a swarm of who the fuck even knows and tragically take them down, going down with them. You'll weep over my bloodied corpse. Why Dave? How could you leave me? You were the only bro I could have ever had such a rad bromance with. Now I have nothing. Sweet delicious tears. [Yeah, Dave has no idea where he's going with this too.]

[There's a snort and laughter from the other voice, and even without seeing it's pretty obvious someone is rolling their eyes.]

That didn't even make sense, Dave! But I guess I am sorry that the princess got his foot broken by a hammer that is not even that heavy. Can you ever forgive me?

I take offense to that. How dare you not keep my fragile, maiden tendencies to heart. I have a very delicate complexion going on. But I'll forgive you because I love you. Seriously though, where the fuck are we? I'm two years too early to be wherever we're supposed to be. Fuck if I know. Everything is kind of vague and I think I stopped giving a shit or two since nearly being a victim of trashy novels involving foursomes.

[There's a rustle of fabric. Dave had plopped down next to John, even if you can't see it.] What are you doing?

I am trying to figure out how this thing works. And I am pretty sure I am three years too early to be at the new session. Jade said it would take that long and I just sent you guys that letter. And isn't it kinda weird that we are the only ones here?

[There's more rustling as John fiddles with the functions, turning the communicator over in his hand.] Whoa! I think this thing is on.

Oh my god. You didn't get to see Karkat freak out. It was like the most embarrassing thing. You literally nailed him in the face and he had some major mental breakdown and everything.

Oh shit really? Ok. That's cool I guess. Ask someone where we are. Also if they have a can opener.

Haha, oh man, really? That sounds like something worth seeing! Ok, ok, uhh... Hello? Can anyone hear us? [He's not going to ask your dumb question about the can opener, Dave.]

[ooc| john is in blue, dave is in red!]

Comments

[knightime]

These connect to a network right? I'm sure we won't have any trouble at all. There's got to be other people hanging around.

[They've overdid themselves already.]

Just messing around with Terezi. It's seriously not that big of a deal, although Karkat might say otherwise. He wanted to schedule some threesome thing where we all take turns together? Fuck, it was stupid and hnrghhh we're not talking about this anymore.

[hammerkinds]

I guess they do! That is a really useful thing to give us and I'm not sure why kidnappers would give us something like this.

[Conversations deteriorating into stupid in 3...]

Whoa, seriously? You and Terezi? And uh... Karkat? Wow, that seems kind of intense!

[knightime]

Misery likes company. Man, fuck if I know.

[You mean it hadn't already?]

It's nothing. We're just messing around. I mean, she's cool and all, but we're like total friends. Also, we're not talking about Karkat and me. That isn't a thing that's ever gonna happen. It's stupid is what it is. If he wants Terezi, than whatever. That has nothing to do with me. Nor does trying to make me read a trollmance novel with two beefcakes all up in each others business.

I've seen terrible things, John. Things I can't ever unsee.

[hammerkinds]

[Yeah it pretty much had I was trying to give them the benefit of the doubt.]

Haha, dude, your life sounds so rough. [Snickering and looking like he is totally taking these entire thing seriously. Not.]

Did he seriously try to make you read a book on troll romance? That stuff is already confusing, reading about it would just be even more confusing.

[knightime]

Fuck off man. Being me is hard and nobody understands. [He's still trying to find Gamzee man.]

No. You know all those trashy romance novels? The really terrible ones that's mostly just sex to fulfill a woman's desires by throwing a hot, perfect dude into a book with an equally attractive lady. And then they fucked was basically the entire plotline.

Now think of that in troll terms. So basically everyone was having sex with each other because they had that, I don't know, matespit or kissmyass quadrants. Hnrghh. Look. It was bad. It was like some buff dude grinding up against another dude while they were trying to snag the attractive lady between him and another attractive lady. That was the cover. It wasn't even the actual text. This was the fucking cover. Do you understand Egbert? The nightmare fuel that wormed its way has basically made itself at home for the rest of my unfortunate life.

[hammerkinds]

Uhh... Why does he even have something like that?

[He doesn't want to think about it in troll terms, that just makes it really hard to try to grasp. Quadrants man, how the fuck do they work.]

[knightime]

John. This is Karkat we're talking about. The same troll who says he's an expert at romance.

I think he said that before. I forget. I mean, there must be a reason why he actually enjoys Adam Sandler...troll Adam Sandler? Ugh fuck. Whatever. But did you know he watches those romcoms religiously?

[Please save him John. You're his only hope.]

[hammerkinds]

Yeah, but I didn't really think he would... You know, read trashy novels and stuff. They are not even written well.

I guess I kinda expected the romcom watching, though.

[knightime]

You obviously underestimated how terrible Karkat's tastes.

It's basically at the point where I would actually enjoy Con Air than deal with whatever he tries to shove down my throat. I really don't want him shoving anything down my throat.

That's what she said. [He had too man. It was clearly set up for that joke.]

[hammerkinds]

I guess so.

[Oh no, Dave, why would you even say that.]

Seriously? So you will watch Con Air with me if we can find a working tv?

Also, dude, you're supposed to let someone else make that joke, not do it yourself. That makes it lame.

[knightime]

[Fuck his life.]

You know what? You find a working tv that will play it. I will sit with you and watch it. [Because it's been a year since he's spoken to you.] I have not had your Nic Cage boner in a year, dude. I will basically do whatever.

I wasn't going to trust you to say it for me.

[hammerkinds]

I don't have a Nic Cage boner! That's gross, Dave.

And that doesn't make it any less lame that you said it for yourself.

[knightime]

John, everyone and their ectorelation knows you have a Nic Cage boner. It's not exactly a secret.

It wasn't lame.

[hammerkinds]

Ughh! [He's not having this conversation with you anymore, Dave.]

It was totally lame, you are just in denial.

[knightime]

No. You're the lame one. [Bluh. Fine. But if they can't talk about your Nic Cage boner, than they don't talk about Dave being lame.

Not that he is lame. You're lame. Shut up.]

[hammerkinds]

No way, you're the lamest.

[knightime]

Stop talking about yourself. You should be more positive. Look at me, I am basically as cool as fucking cool gets.

[hammerkinds]

You are as cool as the sun, Dave.

[Grinning.]

[knightime]

Are you calling me hot, John? I thought you were all about being a no homo. Or has that changed? [You walked into that one.]

[hammerkinds]

[Have the greatest of eye rolls Dave.]

Yeah, Dave, I'm totally calling you hot. On fire, even.

[knightime]

[Come on, don't be hating.]

Damn right, but I'll try to keep it down for your sake.

[hammerkinds]

I am so flattered by your thoughtfulness, you have no idea.

[He snickers, shoving Dave's shoulder.]

Dude, you are such a nerd.

[knightime]

Hold your flattery. I'm just being a good bro.

[Shoves you back.]

You're the nerd. Not me. I'm the really fucking coolkid. Get it right.

[hammerkinds]

The best bro a guy could have!

[Oh no is this going to turn into a shoving war.]

You are not convincing anyone with that. I know it is shocking, Dave, but we are both probably nerds!

[knightime]

Of course.

[He will win. Mark his words, John.]

I'm not the one into really terrible movies. All my tastes in things are refined and flawless.