discedo | ( text; dated April 21, mid-afternoon )

-- CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board APOCALYPTIC FUCKTOWN THE SEQUEL: RETURN OF COURIER FONT VISUAL ASSAULT --

HELLO AGAIN, DISCEDO.

YOU KNOW
THIS IS GENERALLY THE PART WHERE I WOULD START RANTING ABOUT THE INJUSTICE OF THIS WORLD AND EVERY UNIVERSE THAT ORBITS THE GREEN SUN.
(AKA ALL OF THEM.)
THIS IS THE PART THAT SHOULD BE SOMEWHERE BETWEEN INCOHERENT RAGE, A PANIC ATTACK, AND AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS.
BUT NO.
ANY ATTEMPT AT GENUINELY SERIOUS, HEARTFELT DISCUSSION ABOUT MY RETURN WAS KILLED THE MOMENT THE SCIENTISTS DECIDED TO DROP ME INTO FLOODWATERS THAT SHARE THE SAME CONSISTENCY AND SMELL AS HELL'S DIARRHEA.

I AM CURRENTLY TYPING THIS FROM THE S.S. MURPHY'S LAW.
IT'S ACTUALLY JUST A FUCKING PLASTIC BIN BECAUSE, APPARENTLY, IT'S TOO MUCH FUCKING EFFORT TO PUT ME ON DRY LAND OR ACTUALLY FASHION ME A REAL BOAT.
SINCE I'M SUCH A DRAIN ON PRECIOUS RESOURCES, ONE HAS TO WONDER WHY IN ALL THE FUCKS THAT WERE EVER GIVEN THAT I'VE BEEN BROUGHT BACK TO THIS UNIVERSE.
SERIOUSLY.
THIS IS THE MOST ABSURD, TIME-WASTING EVENT THAT COULD HAPPEN.
I SAY THIS AS SOMEONE WHO IS CURRENTLY TRAPPED FOR AN UNFATHOMABLE AMOUNT OF TIME ON AN ACTUAL SHIP AS IT TRAVELS THROUGH MONOTONOUS EXPANSES OF NOTHINGNESS
WHICH IS OCCASIONALLY INTERRUPTED BY POCKETS OF THE AFTERLIFE.
BECAUSE YOU KNOW
SHIT WASN'T BAD ENOUGH BACK IN MY OWN UNIVERSE.
NOPE.
THE ONLY BENEFIT TO ARRIVING IN A FLOODED, DEAD WASTELAND IS THAT I HAVE LITTLE TO NO CHANCE OF ENCOUNTERING A DEAD VERSION OF MYSELF FROM ANOTHER TIME LINE.
GODDAMN IT NOW I'M ACTUALLY MEASURING THE WORTH OF THIS UNIVERSE AND SERIOUSLY CONTEMPLATING WHETHER OR NOT THIS IS A WELCOME BREAK.

BACKTRACKING.
RETURNING TO FURY IN 3... 2...
I AM PADDLING MY WAY UP SHIT CREEK WITH A FUCKING SIGN THAT READS "GOOD FRIENDS GATHER HERE."
THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE AMOUNTS OF IRONY RIGHT HERE.
SO MUCH IRONY THAT THE CAPED CRUSADER'S THINK PAN WOULD EXPLODE.
LUCKILY I'VE MANAGED TO PLUG A HOLE IN MY VESSEL WITH THE MOST STUPIDLY REMARKABLE PRODUCT EVER CONCEIVED.
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT "TAMPONS" ARE
BUT THEY LOOK LIKE THEY HAVE LIMITLESS APPLICATIONS.
AND APPLICATORS, WHATEVER THE FUCK DIFFERENCE THAT MAKES????
DON'T CARE.

FIRST THING'S FIRST:
ERI POTTER
JAPAN THE SANDWICH FACTORY
BENFROMLOST
THE NON-LETHAL JACK
BIRDSEED
WINCHESTERS 1 AND 2
WHOEVER THE FUCK I USED TO INTERACT WITH ON A REGULAR BASIS
(NO OFFENSE IT'S JUST BEEN A WHILE AND SO MUCH SHIT HAS GONE DOWN BETWEEN THEN AN NOW MY MEMORIES ARE MOSTLY FILLED WITH MURDER AND HORROR)

WHO'S STILL HERE, AND WHO CAN TOW ME TO MY OLD HIVE.
I SWEAR TO ALL THE GODS IN ALL THE WORLDS, IF THAT PLACE IS FLOODED/OCCUPIED/STILL OCCUPIED BY THE OPOSSUM DEMON, I WILL FLIP SO MUCH SHIT THAT YOU'LL HAVE TO BUILD A WHOLE NEW SEWAGE PLANT TO PROCESS ALL OF IT.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

THANKS.
I TRY, AS SAD AS THAT STATEMENT IS.
GOOD TO FIND SOMEONE WHO CAN APPRECIATE THE FULL EXTENT OF MY OBTUSE, RAMBLING RANTS.

THEN WHY THE FUCK DID YOU LEAVE THIS OPEN TO CONVERSATION?
THAT'S LIKE SAYING TO A NEWLY HATCHED WRIGGLER, "OH DON'T EAT THAT."
BUT YOU NEVER EXPLAIN IF THEY'RE ABOUT TO INGEST FECAL MATTER OR BRAIN-WRITING SLIME THAT WILL PREVENT THEM FROM GOING ON A MURDER SPREE.

what else are you gonna do with a vocabulary like that, right?

shouldn't the fact that i don't even wanna write down what those things are used for be a hint that you probably don't wanna touch them? i mean, like, i could explain it, but we'd both end up embarrassed. i'm not kidding.

SCREAM INTO THE VAST EMPTINESS OF THE UNIVERSE.
INSULT DUMBASSES.
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING OF VALUE, BASICALLY.

YOU WOULD THINK THAT, BUT HERE'S THE THING:
MY BEST FRIEND MAKES OUT WITH SEVERED HEADS.
AT THE MOMENT THEY'RE THE CORPSES OF ALL OF MY OTHER FRIENDS THAT HAVE BEEN MURDERED BY VARIOUS MEANS.
I MYSELF ONCE KISSED THE CORPSE OF A FRIEND IN HOPES OF REVIVING HER.
IT WORKED, SORTA, BUT THE POINT IS I KISSED A DEAD PERSON.
MY FRIENDS AND I
KISS
DEAD PEOPLE
FAR MORE THAN IS EITHER HEALTHY OR NORMAL.
AT THIS POINT WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY SAY TO GROSS ME OUT.

so this is like your way of making it useful. your vocabulary, i mean.

okay, that's pretty disturbing, but it's nothing like that. it's like, wait a minute. someone told me this. it's buckets, right? you don't like bucket-talk?

I GUESS.
IT'S HOW I'VE ALWAYS TALKED.
MY LINGUISTIC TALENTS HAVE ONLY EVOLVED AS I'VE GOTTEN OLDER AND WENT THROUGH SHIT.

YES.
WELL.
SORTA.
MOSTLY JUST.
BUCKETS ARE OBSCENE TO MY CULTURE.
PRIVATE SHIT FOR ADULTS.

kinda fascinating.

okay, yeah. i don't get it completely, but i'll put it this way. tampons are like buckets.

[ At first, Karkat scoots as far away from the tampons as he can, staring at them so intensely that if his revulsion could manifest itself into the physical plane, the tampons would explode into a firey inferno. After a few minutes of this he cautiously edges closer to examine them. He hesitantly pokes one.

The more he stares, the less he understands. ]

HOW?

like i said, too embarrassing.

[ Like he wants to sit here and explain human female anatomy!! ]

FINE WHATEVER YOU DON'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN IT.
JUST TELL ME THIS:
AM I GOING TO GET SOME KIND OF DISEASE FROM THIS?
OR WORSE, SOLICITED?

man, i really hope not. your luck would have to be pretty bad.

YOU "HOPE" NOT.
THAT LEAVES ROOM FOR POSSIBILITY.
FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK TELL ME THERE IS NO POSSIBILITY.
EVEN THOUGH IT'S ALREADY BEEN ESTABLISHED THAT I HAVE NEGATIVE LUCK.

there is no possibility.

NEXT QUESTION:
WAS THAT A LIE AND/OR AN ATTEMPT TO FUCK WITH ME?

it wasn't either, but it is kinda what you told me to say.

THAT WASN'T WHAT I MEANT.
JUST.
JEGUS.

OKAY SO TO CLARIFY, YOU WERE BEING HONEST? THE TAMPONS AREN'T HARMFUL TO ME BEYOND HAVING SOME DISGUSTING CONNECTION TO THE REPRODUCTION PROCESS OF HUMANS?

as long as they're not used, sure.

USED FOR WHAT?

what they're supposed to be used for.

AND SINCE YOU WON'T TELL ME WHAT THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE USED FOR, THERE'S NO WAY OF KNOWING THAT I'M USING THEM IN SOME GROSS WAY OR IF THE ONES I'M USING HAVE ALREADY BEEN USED FOR HORRIBLE PURPOSES.

you'd know, trust me.

WOULD I?
WOULD I???

look, are they white or something?

"OR SOMETHING."
THEY WERE WHITE WHEN I TOOK THEM OUT, BUT THE MURKY WATER'S CHANGED THAT.
IS THAT GOOD OR BAD?

as long as they're not red.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH RED?

[ IT'S NOT A BAD BLOOD COLOR OR ANYTHING... ]

(no subject)

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