discedo | [ text ] valentine's day event post

[Marco you're scary... and Japan is still lost. But as he's there being terrified and trying to understand wtf is going on, he'll think back on what Marco was just saying.

Like a younger him...?

. . .]

W-w-what sort of thing did-- [WAIT.

THIS MUST BE ABOUT CHANGING HONG KONG'S NAME SO SUDDENLY.]

P-please do not misunderstand! I simply dropped the -san because Hong Kong requested!!

[Duck Japan. Duck. Because Marco's going to punch Something and he'd really rather it was the wall.]

Don't fuck around with me! I saw the full letter!

[Okay, game over. Marco reaches into his sash to pull out his comm and flip it open to the post to show Japan.]

[HE DOES DUCK and then ends up just sliding the rest of the way down the wall. OKAY HIS MASOCHISM ONLY GOES SO FAR, his chip is still in, that was way too close to be Marco messing around, and...

What...

He takes the communicator from Marco to stare at the post. If this had been a normal talk he might be flustered right now, but as it is he just frowns in concern.

Well that makes sense... for reactions now. He steals a look up at Marco.]

I did not write this.

I know. [Slumps down next to him and curls up his head in Japan's lap. Too emotionally exhausted.]

Or well... at first I thought you were kidding around or pushing my limits... then I figured better...

Whoever it is I'm going to kill them. It wasn't even funny. [Huffs and slumps more.]

[Sorry Marco, but it might not be the best reaction from Japan. He flinches, and then just freezes there, staring down at him.]

..."I know?" [...] What sort of reaction is that? How long in this conversation has such knowledge existed, then?

[GLARES AT HIM. Don't start bro.] I suspected when you asked what test. I trusted you didn't really mean it all along. I figured you didn't write it by the time I showed it to you. [Briefly flickers something over his anger. Right, why is he taking it out on Japan if Japan didn't write it? For awhile, he did think Japan was testing him, but still, he needs to pull back. He shimmers into a phoenix, stomps around the warehouse, birdie kicks some things, wrestles with a pillow and returns to glare and squawk at Japan about how it was his fault for not realizing something was wrong sooner -- which he KNOWS is ridiculous, and is why he's not saying it in human, just squawking to vent the rage enough to calm the fuck down.]

[He blinks a few times and watches Marco in his phoenix rage, just thinking it over. When Marco comes back to squawk at him, Japan will just stand back up and focus on straightening his clothes rather than anything else.]

Being so intimidating in the face of a worry, even if others are not following... I used to be like that.

[Stares at him sadly as a phoenix.]

[And when he switches back to human, glances away, still hiding half of his face under a wing, the rest of it in deadpan.]

Is that so? [Quiet.]

I learned that raising my sword to friends in the worry that doing nothing would lead to me getting hurt was no way to live.

[He looks really sad, himself, actually. And probably a bit scared, but he'll never admit that.]

I apologize for not being able to clear this up sooner.

[Back to phoenix to tackle and give a hug. And mumbles an apology in phoenix, possessively holding wings around Japan and wrapping swan neck around his.]

[He'll hug him quietly, thinking over things. It hadn't been so bad, actually... The start of it. Because yes he is masochistic and while he was confused, it was...

Well. But anyway, the seriousness of it setting in was not so pleasant.]

Is there truly so much worry from Marco?

[Nips his ear affectionately and leans back to spread his wings in a shrug. And tilts his head back and forth, sort of shaking no, sort of a maybe? Mostly an "I don't know. Feelings are dumb. I don't get them, so how do I explain them anyway?"]

Kree.

[Then shyly covers his face with a wing tip to show he's embarrassed.]

[Baps Marco's head lightly before setting him down on a crate somewhere and continuing his peering around.]

If Marco does not explain his thoughts, I am left to think that he nearly assaulted me for no reason. [N-nearly...]

[Shifts back... but side glances away.]

I said I thought you were testing me.

[Which made him mad.]

[And then he hangs his head.]

Sorry. [Looks up and about to say something.... but it falls flat and he closes his eyes, looking away again and back into a phoenix, chirping a bunch to try to get the thoughts organized in his head before he says them for real.]

[He's going to glance back at Marco towards the end of that, watch him turn into a phoenix and then look back to whatever he's investigating.]

There is no rush to say all of your thoughts. Ah... I am simply concerned.

[Kicks a barrel. Take that stupid barrel! Bet you feel sad now. He kicks you! And then switches back.]

It's hard. There were a lot of thoughts at once. I thought, "What if this is a test? I don't want to mess up." So I wanted to make sure you knew I meant it and then you know.. the things I said. And I thought "No this isn't Japan, he wouldn't run away" But then I thought maybe you wanted a game and I didn't want to disappoint there.

And then... [Sighs.] I am tired. I do not wish to be this wound up anymore. It's exhausting. [But how does he stop? No balance... and he wants to give up.] It was like an explosion. Now I'm tired.

Marco certainly did not disappoint...

[Whatever he meant by that, he's not saying, and he's turning to face him properly now.]

I am sorry that Marco is tired, but please recognize just who was exploded at. [IT WAS SCARY no he's never going to admit that, but he means... Hearing "I'm too tired to deal with this" after all that is a little harsh.]

[Serious look, nice and long and gets up to very gently kiss Japan.]

Understood.

[Rubs the back of his neck.] I am mad at you. Even knowing that wasn't you...

Get mad at me. [Blinks, surprised he voiced this request.] When I said you could reign me in what did you think I meant?

[Frowns puzzled and shakes his head.] No, that's not right.

[Pounds a fist to his forehead.] I'm not sure why I'm mad at you. You shouldn't let me scare you. [And he doesn't like getting to that point. Or does he? CONFUSED. Give him a minute to process everything. And his expression softens.] You said you used to be like this. But you prefer the way you are now?

[Prefer?

He grows quiet and doesn't answer, folding his arms now thoughtfully.]

Perhaps Marco should find why there is reason to be mad at me. I do not mind speaking about it.

[A handful of flames and he just watches Japan. It takes a few moments for him to collect his thoughts, but his composure is back to perfect at least -- to start with.]

You used to see beyond the words. Now they're in the way and I am forever entangled in them.

I'm mad because you're differe-- [Gulps. FUCK. They just went over this. How many times did this argument need to be had? Maybe because Marco needed to go deeper and piece together the real route of the problem instead of running away anytime it got close.] Because sometimes it seems like you've forsaken the past. I love the new you too, you know that. But ahhhh it's just as silly as before! [Gets up and kicks something. AGAIN. What is it? Not just the feeling of being left behind, though that's part.]

I can't --!

What was so damn bad about how you were before? [But Japan was happier now, and he wanted that. The happiness without him though frustrated him. Japan needed him, insisted that, and he believed him, but then why?] All the changes. [Starts pacing the length of the warehouse.] I don't know them. I can't match them up. I don't know how you'll react anymore and I feel like I'm not enough, no matter how you say different, I'm not up to speed. I can't be your phoenix protector while you don't believe in phoenixes or think I'll make it to your world. I'm not caught up. I hate it. I don't know this new you and -- [Freezes completely, eyes widening. This was dangerous. So dangerous. He knuckles his forehead.] I don't want to start over. I don't know what you're expecting from me. I'm driving myself crazy, I need to stop.

I'm not scared I'll lose you Japan. I'm scared that I already have and it's just that neither of us know it yet. I'm overwhelmed. And I'm exhausted. [Sits down on a crate and watches Japan, looking well, rather empty for Marco.]

I know it's crazy. Just like I knew the letter wasn't you. But everything gets in between until I don't know what I'm doing anymore or why.

[The changes... Japan suddenly looks really old, and a bit uncomfortable or worried, but he looks to the side.]

If Marco wants to know what is wrong with my past, he should speak to other nations.

I change so I do not fall. If there are questions, please ask them!

Fuck them. [Growls.] Fuck all of them. I don't care about them, I care about you.

Ahhh damn it! [Smashes another crate into kindling against the wall. He was oversensitive because it was things he wished Ace had gotten, and he never seemed to, wasn't that part of it? But Japan wasn't Ace, and he wasn't going to treat them the same.]

You asked me recently where my determination was. You never gave up, but this newfound patience, the whole peaceful--

[Stronger, stronger, wasn't this way stronger? If Pops could have had peaceful islands he'd have loved that. And Japan never asked Marco to be the same as him. He lays on his back, starting up at the ceiling and wishing he had one of the chocobo babies on his chest. Still thinking of Pops was calming him down.] My future is the opposite. [Red string of fate, that was why it was so important. They had 20,000 years to sync it all up together.]

I don't have questions, I don't know what to ask, all I know is I'm missing holes with answers.

I don't want you to be like me again. Not for them or anyone else. Just for you. For your happiness only. But it's frustrating. I liked you as you were. My footing is all gone. I don't want to change, I like me the way I was. But I don't want to fall behind... or be left behind. But I still want my Japan's fire. Inner volcanoes. [Sits up and points.] Where are they?

No... I don't want to control how you react. But this isn't the same man who tied me up with seastone to make sure I listened. And I'm not saying I want to be in seastone.

Fuck. [Gets up back to pacing. And lightly kicks something to tip it out of the way.] I want you to be you! Stop hiding from me! But you're trying to and... [Rest his forehead in his arm against the wall.]

You can't reign me in if you're afraid to tackle me. [He wasn't testing Japan before, which is why didn't want to say something like that, but he had to now, and to hell with the wording. If Japan couldn't get the meaning...] I want my Japan. The Japan who never gives up, and never did. The Japan who underneath all the politeness is actually really rude. The Japan who supposedly has a billion kinks, so where are they? The Japan who needs to be me, because that's what you get from me; me. So I want Japan from Japan.

[It's really hard... He's not sure what he's thinking. He needs to sit down and think this out, find out where he truly stands, stop lying to even himself. But right now, all he can manage is this wall of a response.]

That Japan Marco is thinking of is the Japan that lost. [Did he find that good or bad? It's not clear, just dark, and his fists are clenched at his sides.]

Ah, I mean... I would like to speak with Marco, but... [Don't go back to that, don't... He turns away.] I believe Marco should speak to Hong Kong, at least. First.

No.

When does a country die? By a bullet? No. By someone like Shiki? No. Even at the hands of someone like America? No! A country dies when it's forgotten.

Which means my Japan will live forever because I will never fucking forget.

You're right here in front of me. There's more layers and that's fine. But I don't believe your heart is different. Show it to me! Where's Japan's fire?

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excuse me while I shamelessly rip off Hiliruk :)