discedo | 1st Honk

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1st Honk

[Once upon a time there was a little troll named Gamzee. This little troll had a big problem. He was doing drugs! But one day, his supply of drugs went dry and he had all sorts of problems in his life, and he couldn’t be calm and quiet anymore! So instead, he went all sorts of hate murdery on everyone and killed some of his friends! The only way little Gamzee could get better was from a magical cheek stroke from his best friend, Karkat! Thanks to the magical pap-shoosh of his best friend, Gamzee was able to get over the worst of the ordeal!

But our story does not end here, little grublings. Not at all! You see, Gamzee’s story has just begun!

Little Gamzee woke up, all alone in a hospital, and goodness. He was quite concerned. He was by himself, the best friend whose magical touch had calmed him down, was nowhere to be seen! It was quite dreadful! Worried that he might do something awfully bad, now that the magical cheek stroking wasn’t happening, Gamzee started to wander all through the hospital, and tried to find his best friend. It seemed like hours! He would check various rooms, various hallways, hoping his best friend might be around there.

It wasn’t until he slid down a flight of stairs, which no one had warned him of, that he found himself precariously located at the hospital’s morgue! Of all places! But Gamzee’s got himself pretty used to death and corpses at this point! After all, he’s made a couple all by himself! (His ancestor would be so proud!) So going inside the morgue should be no big deal! Gamzee opens the door--

The sound of a record scratch fills the air.

AW HELL NO.

Pardon me, children! But it seems as if little Gamzee has stumbled upon quite the unfortunate discovery! As swear words pour from his mouth, Gamzee approaches a table where upon it...is the body of his best friend. So peaceful, he appears to be. However, peaceful though he might appear, Gamzee’s shivering with rage, already swearing he will hunt down whoever killed his best friend. As he stands over his friend’s body, he contemplates severing his head and keeping a hold of it, like he has with several of his other friends...but there’s...one option...

It didn’t work when he did it for the boy he had a crush on, but maybe it would work with his best friend...

Gamzee then stands at the edge of the table, purple blood dripping over his cheek from an injury earlier that day! He says to himself, that a brother has to do what a brother has to do. He needs to wake up the sleeping knight! And who would have ever thought that the bard would be the one to do it! He was sure either the seer or the rogue would do it instead! Gamzee inhales again and leans down over his best friend, and gently, partially terrified...he kisses him, praying to his mirthful gods that he will wake up!]

[ Karkat, meanwhile, has been alive for… oh, a few hours, give or take. He actually hasn't been asleep the whole time. Mostly just been drifting contentedly on the edge of consciousness and enjoying what little peace and quiet he finally has. Even better, he doesn't feel sick anymore. His mind is clear and plotting swift vengeance on the opossums that poisoned him.

And then suddenly his peace is interrupted by some asshole kissing him. He opens his eyes.

On one hand, it's not Terezi, and that kind of sucks. On the other, it's not Dave, so it could still be worse. There is no time to ponder when Gamzee got here or why the clown is kissing him at the moment. The second their lips meet, a spark of fury is ignited.

Karkat has respawned.

His first act in his third go at life is to shove Gamzee away, lean over the side of the table, and vomit all over his shoes as a result of being kissed. Stan Marsh now has a kindred spirit. ]

[The response to this is rather simple. A very sad looking clown trying to wriggle his feet out of his bright purple shoes before the vomit can sink in and make his feet all gross and wet. So as he stumbles back, guess what has just fallen from his pocket and started to record them, with a lovely view of the morgue ceiling?]

Motherfuck, bro. Didn’t have to be all throwin’ your grubloaf up on a brother’s shoes, did ya? Ain’t like I was gonna be up and leavin’ ya there to get your dyin’ on, y’know!

[Fortunately, a tiny glimpse of Gamzee’s face is visible, his blood still sticking to his cheeks, and what looks like chocolate formed around his mouth. His shoes are in hand, and he looks like he’s trying to shake off Karkat’s moirail-barf from them.]

Just up and woke up here and got my worry on as to where this motherfucker might up and be chillin’, and got all sorts’a concerned that a best motherfucking friend of his might be all up and gone.

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SO TH4TS WH3R3 H3 W3NT

no motherfucking way
DIDN'T UP AND KNOW THAT SNIFF SIS WAS ALL BEING HERE TOO.

[To be entirely honest...there's a possibility that Gamzee might be prepared for things to get a little nasty. After all, last he really interacted with Terezi, he was trying to subtly push her into killing Vriska (and succeeded) so he might just be prepared to be a little bit on guard. You know. Just in case she decides to crack him over the skull with her cane.]

[ oh, terezi is far too subtle for that, my friend. ]

W3LP, LOOK 4T 4LL TH4T SUDD3N R34L1Z4T1ON
Y3S TH3 SN1FF S1S 1S 4LL UP 1N TH1S JO1NT
4ND SH3 WOULD GR34TLY 4PPR3C14T3 BOTH YOURS 4ND K4RK4TS LOC4T1ONS
PL34S3 4ND TH4NK YOU

we be all up and hanging with corpses sister
BUT NEITHER OF US ARE BEING DEAD
you feel me?
GOT MY ASS ALL WOKEN UP IN A HOSPITAL
and had to check these digs out
AND BAM
down some motherfucking stairs my rump did fall
FOUND MYSELF AS TROLLMENGELE'S PLAYGROUND
with palebro all on a table
MAKING ME THINK HE WAS DEAD
maybe he was
BUT I UP AND GAVE HIM ONE OF THOSE MIRACULOUS MOTHERFUCKING SMOOCHES
and brother woke the fuck up! :oD

3XC3LL3NT
HOSP1T4L
GOT 1T
1 DONT TH1NK 1 N33D TO R3M1ND YOU TO ST4Y PUT
BUT JUUUUST 1N C4S3
*ST4Y PUT* [ Because she will be there shortly. All nerds please wait patiently for the Pyrope train to reach the hospital stop. ]

it's all being a corpse party hotel room down here
AND KARBRO KIND OF FUCKED UP THE PUNCH
so i'm guess we'll be here til it up and gets cleaned
SO STAYING PUT IS WHAT WE'LL BE DOING SISTER

I would greatly appreciate it if you both left the morgue as you found it. Clean and lacking expelled bodily fluids.

[Gamzee manages to pick up the video after a minute and look into it, before looking over his shoulder at Karkat.]

Bro, I think I've all turned into some pink haired human.

[Twitched.]

No you haven't. It's my image on the screen and I happen to be female thank you very much. I also happen to be one of the doctors that run this hospital.

[Processing...Processing...Processing...

System Error.
Try Again?
>Yes >No

Yes

Processing...Processing...Processing...

Scan Complete: Situation Comprehended.]

Aww shit, didn't all up and realize that this was a recordin' device. Man, apologies all a motherfucking run, sister.

[She's just watching that blank look with a hint of annoyance and amusement.]

Apology accepted. Now~. Who are you and why are you in the morgue?

Gamzee Makara, ma'am. Just found myself down in this motherfuckin' hole on accident, wound up seein' my best friend playin' Sleeping Beauty and decided to be his motherfuckin' prince.

[Well at least she got his name and the reason he's down there.]

It's a pleasure to meet you Gamzee. I'm Little Washu and I don't suppose I could ask who else is down there with you?

Pleasure's all being mine, sister. [He gives her a relatively friendly little smile and shrugs his shoulder.]

Best bro, name's Karkat.

[Well he seems nice enough~.]

Karkat huh? He hasn't started swearing yet has he~? The last time I talked to him he needed to be rescued from a flood.

[For now, Washu. For now. Wait until he realizes he's sober.]

Karbro's always got himself a motherfuckin' mouth. Almost as bad as me.

[A pause.]

Motherfuck, thought my best bro knew how to swim!

[Not that he's very good either.]

[...Will she have to lock someone up?]

I've noticed~. If he does I still wouldn't have suggested swimming in the streets. They were more like mini raging rivers at the time. Not very good for swimming.

[Hopefully not, but usually Karkat can keep him under control.]

Whoa sis, I don't even know if I could up and swim in that. Maybe the fishy princess could, but I ain't knowin' nobody who'd wanna swim in rivers and shit.

[Good. hopefully it stays that way.]

Fishy princess?

[He puts his hands at the side of his face, mimicking fins.]

Yeah, she's all being a good swimmer, y'know.

[She raises an eyebrow but decides to humor him.]

Ah~ I see. Then she probably wouldn't have had a problem then. Now why don't you get Karkat moving and stop playing in the morgue. You never know what might turn up there.

If he all stops bein' a grumpy motherfucker, sure thing sister!

[And he just smiles brightly.]

[Washu can't help but smile back.]

Then you'll probably be down there a long time. I haven't seen a time when Karkat hasn't been grumpy.

GAMZEE? You're back!

[Feel free to swiftly point out that Gamzee has no fucking clue who Marco is.]

[He actually looks a little defensive at the whole SOMEONE KNOWING HIS NAME. His eyes narrow as he looks into the video, lips pursed curiously as he pokes at the screen for a moment.]

...You ain't one of those imps I split a motherfuckin' pie with, are you? You don't be all havin' any left, do ya?

I'm not an imp, but there should be a pile of them somewhere.

[He needs to process this, hold on just a second, broski.]

...Pile of imps or pies? Either sounds like the motherfuckin' bees knees, yo.

[Laughs. Yeah, that sounds like Gamzee all right.]

Pies. But if you find a pile of imps, let me know. I think we had a couple awhile back that got their hands on the communicators, but I haven't seen them in ages.

[ Karkat doesn't even have the cognitive functions to decipher his moirail's slang. He's too busy coughing and spitting off the edge of the table. Totally on autopilot rage mode. ]

Goddamnit I can't even enjoy a single fucking moment of solace on an autopsy table without being macked on?! That isn't even necessary here in the Land of Rainbow Drinkers and Resets, son of a shit-stained toaster strudel I can taste you behind my teeth and it tastes like hideous offspring of stupidity and shame.

[ Or that could be Tavros' blood, who knows. After spitting on the floor a few more seconds, everything finally dawns on him.

Gamzee is back.

And Karkat just yelled at him for trying to be a good best friend and revive him.

Wow, way to go, douchenozzle. You emotionally assaulted the one of the few people that actually like you, he thinks to himself. ]

Shut up I know I'm an asshole. [ He says this outloud. To himself. Yeah without the time function, he's now resorted to arguing with himself in real time. All aboard the crazy train.

Karkat wipes his mouth on the back of a sleeve (strangely cleaner than he last remembered), calms down, and stares at his moirail. ]

Sorry Gamzee. I know you were just trying to help. I didn't expect you here and you sorta caught me at a weird time. You know, being alive and well and all. When did you get here anyway?

[He chuckles a bit, wiping some of the blood (of Tavros's) off his face for a moment, smearing a little bit of his makeup in the process. But he looks like shit already, so no big deal.]

I tasted you, bro, wasn't all that motherfuckin' bad.

[This is no time for suggestive pale flirting, Gamzee. But he does manage to slide up against the autopsy table, totally ignoring the puddle of vomit on the ground and loop his arms around Karkat in a playful sort of hug, because goddamn, best friend is here! Nothing can go wrong! Nothing at all!

He's only just going to give his new best friend and sanity-service officer a tight squeeze and let him bitch at himself momentarily before he just paps his cheek.]

...About twenty minutes ago? Just woke up and whoa, this ain't the meteor. This is a motherfuckin' health clinic, yo. Gotta find out if something up and went wrong back on that flyin' rock, and find where my bestest of best friends was off to, and then I got my tumble on down some steps and wham. Got my ass all being here and you were on this table, pretty as a motherfuckin' princess!

[ Karkat doesn't hug back, but he doesn't pull away either. He is only capable of hugs when other people (or Karkat himself) are having meltdowns.

Nothing can go wrong except everything. ]

Right on time to watch me spiral into insanity as I awake from dying for the third fucking time. Yeah. First lesson: death is little more than an inconvenience here. You don't even have to kiss anyone or go through a convoluted process. You just lay there and be a classy fucking corpse, then our beloved kidnapping biologists will haul us away and piece us back together.

So welcome to Discedo. [ He gestures around to the dingy room. ] A post-reckoning world populated by horror, absurdity, and worst of all, me. Enjoy your hopefully limited stay.

[You are just going to have to deal with Gamzee smothering you in hugs right now bro. Just touching your face, and trying to make sense of how they're both here, and both alive.]

Bro, you ain't all needin' to be spiralin' there. This brother's gonna take away all the motherfuckin' crazies and help you keep that pan AS MOTHERFUCKIN' CALM AS THE SEA IN THE MOONLIGHT!

[His volume fluctuates, but not too much.]

[He stares at Karkat with a look of both surprise and slight acceptance about this and he actually makes a grab at Karkat's shoulder when he mentions that NO ONE STAYS CORPSES!]

Bro, does this mean that Tav's all being here and okay too?! You mean I can get a motherfuckin' chance now?!

[He's kind of got himself partially draped on you, because all he needs to keep his head calm (or at least going wild with positive thoughts) is to super glue himself to his pale bro.]

[ Karkat winces at the fluctuating volume but otherwise does a very good job of banishing the unpleasant memories it elicits from his mind. He just keeps on scowling and endures the manhandling. ]

Gamzee, not only are you on this crazy train with me, you are the conductor. You are driving the dope-ass dingbat train straight to Fuckville. I am merely a first-class passenger.

[ Insults aside, he lets his moirail wallow all over him, even giving a few awkward pats on the back. Maybe that'll help when he breaks the bad news. ]

No. Tavros isn't here. Closest we've got are herds of Tinkerbulls that collectively look like Tavros when you're out of your mind with a fever. Sorry bro. [ He sighs. ] But he was here before so who the fuck knows. Maybe he'll be back some day. Preferably with functional legs.

[ Dragging his sorry ass around in a wheelchair wasn't exactly the highlight of Karkat's life. ]

The death exemption only applies to those who have been brought here. Better not fucking apply to possums or so help me...

[ JUST STARING ANGRILY AND BITTERLY INTO SPACE DON'T MIND HIM. ]

[His hold on his drape on Karkat becomes loose as he makes a gesture with a free arm, tugging on an invisible whistle chain.]

Choo choo! No worries bro! First class is all meaning you get a comfortable as fuck journey all the motherfucking way there! Just chillax, we'll be all having your seven course meal right up!

[He grins a little, being incredibly silly. All rage aside, he's calming himself down already with a little playing around with his best friend.]

Would be nice if my other best bro could be all living it up here, y'know? [He gives Karkat another bit of a snuggle.]

What's a possum? They like a playin'-dead-rodentbeast?

[Don't mind him. Just going to be poking your cheek and rubbing to see if you react.]

[ His scowl relaxes and his lips twitch upwards a bit. That's as close to a smile as he can manage while still be simultaneously annoyed. ]

One of those meals better be a tapioca sandwich. Otherwise I'm going to be the most obnoxious passenger possible and write terrible reviews about your train service on the internet.

[ Good. Calming rage is good. For that reason Karkat just accepts the snuggling. And, admittedly, it's good to see his best friend again. Friendship is like a spec of light drifting in the Marina's-trench sized hole where Karkat's heart should be. Said light is probably some terrifying fish that inhabits only the depths of the oceans and peoples' nightmares. Oh well. ]

It's a demon that lives in the walls of our temporary hive here. Rule two of Discedo: you are now in a warzone and our hive is No Man's Land. I've literally fought tooth and nail with the beast, but its blood is poisonous or something because I got sick after swallowing some of it in my last brawl against it. I was going to feed its young to Terezi but in light of this I think I'm just going to massacre the devilspawn and use flames to purify the tainted corpses they'll leave behind.

[ He's too occupied being furious at the possums to properly smack Gamzee's hand away from his cheek, though he does bare his teeth threateningly as though to say I swear to fuck if you keep that up I will bite it off.

He won't, of course. Karkat is like one of those little dogs that snarls and snaps at the bigger dogs but everyone knows that it's all bravado. ]

A tapioca sandwich? Bro, what the motherfuck's all with your appetite? But if that's all what you'll be cravin' who am I to say no, right?

[He's actually really happy to have Karkat being whiny and complainy at him. It's like he never went sober, and it's rather relaxing. Having Karkat so quickly accessible after arriving here after his episode, it was keeping everything in his head settled.]

So, you want me to kill it? I can do that, if you want. Wouldn't be no problem.

[He beams, and his hand doesn't lower from his friend's cheek. Still wrapping his head around being there with his best friend.]

What is with you people and insulting my superior food choices? [ Now it's his turn to poke Gamzee in the cheek. ] It's perfectly normal to crave dried fruit dipped in cottage cheese with a side of mustard-covered pickles. It's called variety. I'm probably the only person in this stagnant cesspool of debauchery and despair that doesn't have a dietary deficiency! It is perfectly acceptable and delicious.

[ whatever you tell yourself to (not) sleep at night, Karkat. ]

Nah, I don't want you to kill it.

[ Now he finally grins, except it isn't one of his rare happy friendship grins. It's the much more common "I AM YOUR GOD" bullshit grin. ]

The possum's death is my quest. It's my adversary and therefore must die by my hands. Bring it to me beaten but not broken.

[ HE MUST DESTROY IT TO CLAIM THE IRON THRONE

]

[Wow. Karkat. You just made Gamzee let go of you. What kind of look is that. WHAT ARE YOU DOING. WHAT ARE YOU PLANNING. WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING. He laughs a little nervously because now he sort of realizes what sort of terror he put on Karkat when he snapped.]

If you all need help, bro...I'm your man!

[ Why they make good moirails: neither can be sane while the other is off their rocker. It's like a Harry Potter and Voldemort situation.

Maybe it's the weirdly relaxing death/respawning he's had (it's like a day at the spa but with fewer mudbaths and more gurneys). Maybe it's Gamzee's response. Who knows, but now Karkat's lips actually turn upward in a ghost of a smile. ]

Thanks. I'll summon you as need be. I'll show you what the sharp-toothed monsters look like, then if you see one around, you bash it a couple times. Just don't make out with it if it dies. They're poisonous.

[ Actually they're just infested with fleas that carry typhus but Karkat hasn't realized that yet. ]

[But which one is which? Is Gamzee Voldemort? It seems more likely.

And Gamzee SAW that smile and he's practically exploding into a fit of giggles and happiness to see Karkat reacting like that. A smile? From Karkat? Gosh! He's so lucky!]

You know I'm being all there for you whenever I can. And I'll tear that motherfucker apart if you be all getting harmed by it.

[Another giant smile from Gamzee, but Karkat? Be prepared to check Gamzee's hair for fleas then.]

Heyyy, welcome back, little man! Looks like you're busy and don't remember me--tragic, I know, and if it weren't for the constant memory-wipes I'd figure it'd be impossible to forget me unless you had some serious brain damage--but don't worry, you'll get to know me again well enough!

You can join the club of "having angry trolls barf on your shoes"!

[WHOA. DAVE--oh that's not Dave. But he's just staring at you, wondering who this motherfucker might be...And he tries to make sense of the barf comment.]

Karkat threw up on you too, man?! Wicked.

[ too dumb to be Dave srry2say. ]

Nah, not the little angry one! The taller angry one! Eridan! Yeah. It was a while back and he ain't around anymore but I dunno if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

I swear man, you and the bull one are like the only chill ones. That cat one ate my dog and the rest just little jerks.

[And he grins!]

He wasn't at home neither! He all got cut in half!

[:D]

Whoa whoa whoa, and here Karkat was all tellin' me that Tavros wasn't bein' here!

Wait.

What.

Cut in half what.

[ All other thoughts of reorienting Gamzee with ~~his drug dealer~~ this glorious country, Discedo, and everything else has just flown out of his mind. Now there is only TROLL KIDS CUT IN HALF. ]

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1st Honk

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