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discedo2012-01-23 10:29 pm
yourgoddamnit) wrote in discedo2012-01-23 10:29 pm
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LADIES, GENTLEMEN, FUCKASSES AND SANDWICH FACTORIES.
TODAY I BRING TO YOU A MARVELOUS TALE.
IT IS A STORY OF SURVIVAL THAT RIVALS THE ESTEEMED FILM COMMONLY ABBREVIATED TO TROLL LIAM NEESON VS. THE HOWLBEASTS.
UNFORTUNATELY FOR EVERYONE I'M THE PROTAGONIST
BUT I PROMISE YOU THAT MY FOE IS AN EVEN MORE DESPICABLE EXCUSE OF ANGRY FUCK THAN I AM.
SERIOUSLY.
IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE CREATED A MINIATURE CLONE OF ME, THREW IT INTO THE BOWELS OF HELL, AND THE SHIT IT OUT IN THE LOAD GAPER THAT IS DISCEDO.
I WOULD BE IMPRESSED IF MY COMMUNICATOR WASN'T SMEARED WITH MY OWN BLOOD AS I TYPE THIS.
THE STORY BEGINS A FEW WEEKS AGO.
EVERY FUCKING DAY I'D HEAR SOMETHING SKITTERING AND SCREECHING WITHIN THE WALLS OF THIS DECAYING HIVE.
PUNCHING THE WALL HAD NO EFFECT.
JUST WHEN I WAS CONSIDERING FLUSHING OUT THE CULPRIT WITH FIRE, I FIND THE LITTLE ASSHOLE EATING THE SANDWICH I'D SET DOWN.
HE WAS EATING
MY FUCKING
TAPIOCA SANDWICH.
WE LOCKED EYES
AND I KNEW WHAT I HAD TO DO.
RIGHT BEFORE HELL BROKE LOOSE I MANAGED TO CATCH A PICTURE OF ITBECAUSE EVERYONE NEEDS A PROPER PHOTO OF THEIR NEMESIS.
BEHOLD THE FACE OF NIGHTMARES:
I MANAGED TO PUNCH IT TO DEATH ONCE, BUT IT ROSE FROM THE DEAD JUST IN TIME TO ATTACK MY EVERYTHING WITH THE FURY OF AN ERIDAN WHO CAN'T FIND HIS SIZE AT THE HIDEOUS PANTS STORE.
NATURALLY I ATTACKED BACK.
I'M PRETTY SURE I BIT HIM MORE THAN HE BIT ME.
REALLY, HE'S FORTUNATE HE ESCAPED BACK INTO THE WALLS WITH HIS LIFE.
THE DEMON THINKS IT HAS WON.
LITTLE DOES HE KNOW THAT THE BATTLE HAS ONLY BEGUN.
THIS HAS ASCENDED BEYOND PEST CONTROL.
NO, THE DEFILER OF SANDWICHES HAS REACHED LEVELS OF HATRED ONLY ACHIEVED BY MY PAST SELF.
(I'LL STATE NOW THAT IT'S PERFECTLY PLATONIC HATRED BECAUSE I'M NOT A SICKO).
IT WILL FEEL THE FULL CONSEQUENCES OF MY WRATH.
WHEN WE MEET AGAIN, THE WALKING CARCASS WILL BE SO STRICKEN BY THE DEPTHS OF MY IRE THAT IT WILL SPONTANEOUSLY GAIN SENTIENCE.
ITS FIRST AND LAST THOUGHTS WILL BE
"OH SHIT.
I RUE THE DAY I FUCKED WITH KARKAT VANTAS.
I HAVE NO CHOICE BUT ACCEPT DEATH'S EMBRACE YET THE FEAR IN MY HEART--"
AND BY THAT POINT I WILL HAVE DECAPITATED THE DEMON, THUS CUTTING HIS BRIEF AFFAIR WITH INTELLIGENCE SHORT.
I WILL RETURN IT TO THE WORLD OF HORRORTERRORS WHERE IT BELONGS, NEVER TO REVIVE AGAIN.
I WILL HAVE MY VENGEANCE.
ZOMBIE DEMON, YOU ARE MY QUEST.
ON A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT NOTE.
SAM WINCHESTER THE MOOSE.
I SUMMON YOU.
GET YOUR ASS IN THIS MEMO BEFORE I LEAVE A MAP OF YOUR DWELLING FOR THE DEMON TO FIND.
TODAY I BRING TO YOU A MARVELOUS TALE.
IT IS A STORY OF SURVIVAL THAT RIVALS THE ESTEEMED FILM COMMONLY ABBREVIATED TO TROLL LIAM NEESON VS. THE HOWLBEASTS.
UNFORTUNATELY FOR EVERYONE I'M THE PROTAGONIST
BUT I PROMISE YOU THAT MY FOE IS AN EVEN MORE DESPICABLE EXCUSE OF ANGRY FUCK THAN I AM.
SERIOUSLY.
IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE CREATED A MINIATURE CLONE OF ME, THREW IT INTO THE BOWELS OF HELL, AND THE SHIT IT OUT IN THE LOAD GAPER THAT IS DISCEDO.
I WOULD BE IMPRESSED IF MY COMMUNICATOR WASN'T SMEARED WITH MY OWN BLOOD AS I TYPE THIS.
THE STORY BEGINS A FEW WEEKS AGO.
EVERY FUCKING DAY I'D HEAR SOMETHING SKITTERING AND SCREECHING WITHIN THE WALLS OF THIS DECAYING HIVE.
PUNCHING THE WALL HAD NO EFFECT.
JUST WHEN I WAS CONSIDERING FLUSHING OUT THE CULPRIT WITH FIRE, I FIND THE LITTLE ASSHOLE EATING THE SANDWICH I'D SET DOWN.
HE WAS EATING
MY FUCKING
TAPIOCA SANDWICH.
WE LOCKED EYES
AND I KNEW WHAT I HAD TO DO.
RIGHT BEFORE HELL BROKE LOOSE I MANAGED TO CATCH A PICTURE OF IT
BEHOLD THE FACE OF NIGHTMARES:
I MANAGED TO PUNCH IT TO DEATH ONCE, BUT IT ROSE FROM THE DEAD JUST IN TIME TO ATTACK MY EVERYTHING WITH THE FURY OF AN ERIDAN WHO CAN'T FIND HIS SIZE AT THE HIDEOUS PANTS STORE.
NATURALLY I ATTACKED BACK.
I'M PRETTY SURE I BIT HIM MORE THAN HE BIT ME.
REALLY, HE'S FORTUNATE HE ESCAPED BACK INTO THE WALLS WITH HIS LIFE.
THE DEMON THINKS IT HAS WON.
LITTLE DOES HE KNOW THAT THE BATTLE HAS ONLY BEGUN.
THIS HAS ASCENDED BEYOND PEST CONTROL.
NO, THE DEFILER OF SANDWICHES HAS REACHED LEVELS OF HATRED ONLY ACHIEVED BY MY PAST SELF.
(I'LL STATE NOW THAT IT'S PERFECTLY PLATONIC HATRED BECAUSE I'M NOT A SICKO).
IT WILL FEEL THE FULL CONSEQUENCES OF MY WRATH.
WHEN WE MEET AGAIN, THE WALKING CARCASS WILL BE SO STRICKEN BY THE DEPTHS OF MY IRE THAT IT WILL SPONTANEOUSLY GAIN SENTIENCE.
ITS FIRST AND LAST THOUGHTS WILL BE
"OH SHIT.
I RUE THE DAY I FUCKED WITH KARKAT VANTAS.
I HAVE NO CHOICE BUT ACCEPT DEATH'S EMBRACE YET THE FEAR IN MY HEART--"
AND BY THAT POINT I WILL HAVE DECAPITATED THE DEMON, THUS CUTTING HIS BRIEF AFFAIR WITH INTELLIGENCE SHORT.
I WILL RETURN IT TO THE WORLD OF HORRORTERRORS WHERE IT BELONGS, NEVER TO REVIVE AGAIN.
I WILL HAVE MY VENGEANCE.
ON A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT NOTE.
SAM WINCHESTER THE MOOSE.
I SUMMON YOU.
GET YOUR ASS IN THIS MEMO BEFORE I LEAVE A MAP OF YOUR DWELLING FOR THE DEMON TO FIND.
[Text]
WOW.
WELL I'LL HAND IT TO YOU, THOR SOUNDS MORE INTIMIDATING THAN TAVROS AND LESS FUCKING RETARDED THAN GAMZEE OR ERIDAN.
IF THERE WERE COMICS ABOUT ANY OF THEM IT WOULD SURELY BE TITLED
"THE ADVENTURES OF MISERABLE FAILURES."
I'M SURE JAPAN HAS ALREADY DRAWN THIS.
OR POSSIBLY SMUT.
PROBABLY SMUT.